Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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