please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
