I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
