his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
