not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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