the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
