I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
