what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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