dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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