Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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