You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
