What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
