First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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