She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you traded sex for a burrito?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
