I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
