toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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