I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Randomize
