I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
