Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
