I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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