Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize