Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
