Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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