I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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