We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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