I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
