Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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