im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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