Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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