I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
