i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize