One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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