he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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