once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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