My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They have beer where we have blood.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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