I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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