Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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