I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
