Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
