you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
