dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
