shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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