My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
