I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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