The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
