from now on my penis is your penis
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize