so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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