At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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