My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
