The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
