just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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