When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize