I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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