We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
