We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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