just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
