WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize