he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
