We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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