I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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