Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
