Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
