toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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