My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
