I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
