the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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