wat bout pragnant strippers??
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
