i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
