HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
