Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize